When Yes Actually Means No...

Ah yes, yet another day has gone by and I've yet to find something I've been looking for. But I guess that's how life is, you look for it and it hides. It's got to the point where I really could care less what crosses my path now, just a leaf blowing in the wind. Put up with plenty of B.S. that makes me wanna call it quits.

You know that boy/girlfriend that you got? I'm glad you got him/her, cuz some of us aren't that fortunate. I've tried a few times but in the end it turns out that the guy doesn't even show interest anymore or they treat me like a stranger once we got "connected". Makes me wonder if I'm that scary that makes them do a 180 once they've known me for so long. But something tells me it has something to do with the element of lust. Ah yes.. that's the beauty of a thing in the beginning, but that usually kills the relationship so fast and hard. Sometimes you wish it would be quick and painless, but the aftermath of lust is far from that. You tell yourself it isn't lust in the beginning and you think everything is peachy, but then a while later that "yucky after taste" sneaks up and bites you in the ass. Then you actually realize that the guy wasn't even into you in the first place. They just played you like a violin and once they got what they wanted they run away. Then you ask the guy if anything's wrong but he keeps saying everything is fine and reassures you that you did nothing wrong. The constant tug-o-war trying to understand where he comes from gets frustrating. Makes you feel like you're being a nag then you ask him if he thinks you are one then he tells you that you aren't.

I'm gonna flat out, I do not like shut in people. I don't like it if they stay quiet and just sit there as if they can get away with looking like lifeless tree that has nothing to say. It drives me nuts when I ask them what they're doing and they answer "Nothing." UGH! I mean... every single time I ask and I get that answer, I swear I'm gonna shoot myself in the head. Cuz that makes me feel like I don't deserve to hear what they have to say. I'd like to think of myself as a human being like everyone else and one who has feelings and compassion. I do understand there are some cases where it may be necessary to keep it under wraps. And there are other things that would be plain stupid to not talk about, like casual thoughts or actions or plans they have ready. Maybe I'm the nosey type, but I do worry about how other people are feeling and especially how they feel about me. I feel awkward and sad when I find out that I cause people to get angry or sad. I really don't like it when people start stop liking me all of a sudden and not explain why. I share all of my feelings and thoughts because I felt comfortable. Then later down the line I feel like I'm invading someone's private space or I'm some sick freak. Sorry if I get concerned about other people's well-being, that's just who I am.

As I said, I've got to the point where I'm saying Fuck it... Cuz quite frankly I don't like how I'm getting treated when I'm trying to be nice to others or showing any bit of interest in them. If any of this I just wrote actually pertain to you in ANYway... I advise you to turn off your computer right now. I don't want anymore heartache than what I already have. wow this has been a bit too aggressive entry... sorry folks...I'll behave from now on, I just wanted to get that shit off my chest..